Happy on the inside

I began writing this blog post 2 years ago. I had forgotten this very eye-opening discovery about myself. I haven't stopped being happy, just had forgotten to finish this post.

How do you measure success and failure? I had an epiphany of sorts this morning. Some have commended me on my parenting because I have a child who has graduated college and because I've tried to always put my children first. Perception isn't always reality. Yes, my children have been my world and I've done what I thought was best for them. I've been a single parent for nearly 14 years. Yes, I've done homework with them, I've pushed them to succeed in school, I've allowed and encouraged extra curricular activities, I've practiced and played with them and cheered them. But it occurred to me this morning that I've lived on the brink of failing them for years. I had given up...I stopped allowing myself to be happy outside of them. Now that I have opened myself to happiness and love, I have realized what I had stopped doing. I stopped caring about me and our home. Only a select few had been in my home in the past 8 or 9 years. I told myself I was lazy but it occurred to me this morning that it was far deeper than  that. I just didn't care. Allowing myself to love and be loved has created in me a desire to take care of the things I was neglecting for years.  And if this isn't abundantly clear, I am cooking and cleaning...willingly. I have been teased by family and friends as not being able to cook but truth is that I just stopped wanting to. I actually can cook and enjoy doing so.

I am, at heart, a realist and I've always liked to think that I knew my faults as well as anyone else but the truth is, there were some that I hadn't seen, or at least acknowledged. I have always preached to my family and friends to find their "happy".  I just never took my own advice.

I am grateful for the man who cared enough to get me to care again. He's been my knight!