Love

I've been contemplating "love" lately.  Not the verb, the noun. Is it entirely subjective? Isn't it? I know there are chemicals in our brains that make us feel good and make us happy and that those chemicals are more readily secreted when around certain people but can't certain material things make us happy too? Things like beer or chocolate? A good book? Quiet time or party time?

I am a sap for romantic movies and the fairy tale story of women being swept off their feet or the happy ending of it all working out. But I am also a realist and don't believe it will happen to me. I have done a good job of keeping men out of my heart. I like to pretend that I'm like Dr. Temperance Brennan ("Bones") when it comes to matters of the heart and be just as rational as she is.  I get carried away sometimes but it typically doesn't last too long. Either my brain finally kicks in and brings me back to reality or he, inevitably, says something that shuts down the emotional track.

When I am in my "my heart has been locked and the key thrown away" mode, songs like "Desperado" or "I am a Rock" really hit home. Now, don't get me wrong, it isn't that I don't believe love is out there. I am just not certain that I believe that if that guy comes along, he will know how to find that key and unlock my heart. I have let a couple of them get close, but once reality hits, it hits hard and I shut down quite succinctly.

Perhaps this is from lessons learned or maybe just a defense mechanism. Perhaps I just want attention. We all have faults and we all have good qualities. I have spent so many years being reminded of only my faults that I sometimes lose sight of and don't recognize any good qualities in myself.  The friends I have and covet that are so wonderful and generous in telling me what they like about me, no doubt get tired of having to say it.

I know that a blog is not a personal journal that I shouldn't be writing my innermost feelings and airing all my "issues" for everyone to read, but I find it therapeutic. I have faults...many of them. If I can't admit to them, I feel like I'm trying to hide them, which I am not. I have said it before....like me or not, I am just me. I like to make people smile and I love being with my kids. If ever a man comes along able to make this island cry, he may just get the key. Until then, "a rock feels no pain...and an island never cries"