The bad one

I have a confession....and it's about Online dating. I am THAT girl...the one who guffaws at people when they talk about the 'dangers' of online dating. My response has always been, "it isn't any worse than meeting a guy in a bar.  At least you have the chance to get to know them before meeting them."  My confession is that I've never played it safe. I've never made sure someone knew where I was going when I met these guys or who I was meeting.  But I'll preach to do so all day long. Well, I've learned my lesson...and thank goodness it wasn't any worse than it was. I received contact from a guy on a dating site...profile seemed decent...said he wasn't continuing his membership so could we text  and sent his number. I texted and he immediately called. I didnt answer because it wasn't a convenient time to talk so he left a voice mail and texted too. I called back a little while later and we chatted for a bit. He was funny and flirty and asked if we could meet later. I agreed. Later came, we talked and picked a place and time. I was early, as usual. When he showed, he was cute but completely wasted.  Sat next to me and wouldn't stop groping me. He tried several times to put my hand on his crotch, to no avail. Instincts said to get up and leave but I'm not one to be mean so I stayed and finished the beer I had. In doing so, it turns out he didn't drive (lucky for other motorists). Asked if I'd drive him home. I politely refused but, again, I relented and told him I would if he promised to keep his hands off me in the car. I dropped him near his home and was able to leave without incident. The scene at the restaurant, however, had already rattled me to my core.  I've met guys only looking for one thing before...and I've generally known that's all it would be. This one caught me off-guard. I cannot adequately explain, in words, what the situation was truly like. As I over-analyze and lose sleep over it, I think the best explanation is not being in control. I, in essence, allowed him to be in control of the situation. And that may just be the root of my problem. I was cornered into a booth by a guy making very unwanted advances and I didn't stop him. I kept removing his hands from me and turning my head when he tried to kiss me but that just lead to him biting my neck, which I'm certain has bruises today. I am ashamed of myself for letting him continue as long as he did. I am ashamed of myself for putting myself in a situation like that. I got home okay and am none the worse for wear...but I believe my online dating days are over. I've deactivated my profiles and am sad to say that this may stay with me for some time. I feel like he dimmed my spirit just a tad. This all sounds so overly dramatic but I was the victim of date rape when I was 18 and didn't admit or realize it until just a few years ago. Back then, it wasn't a thing so coming to terms with it hasn't been easy. The lack of control of the situation is what the worst part is and that is what made tonight similar. He didn't rape me and we didnt have sex....but he sure did molest me right there in that booth in a restaurant...with people all around. I've always bragged that I'd never be a victim. "I'm stronger and more aware" "I'd never put myself in a situation to BE a victim"  I don't get rattled easily...and I'm rattled.